f r e It is my hope that this space is from fear, expectations, rules, Illusions, & e g 0. projects: balance; circle-square-triangle; confidence; control is an illusion; de-imaging america; digesting; focal point; global posters; hand-made; hierarchy of needs; if the world was honest; if i could design; isnt it laughable; lens; manifesto; recreate; say thanks; societal alphabet; square target; stuck; things i'm learning; things i believe; things that make me happy; type unions; transcend your ego; use; why i design; questions: what is the purpose of my life? how do i love? what does design mean on a global level? how is american design different than the rest of the world? should design be guided by rules? if design is a language at it's core, who are we talking to and what are we talking about? <----------------------- --------------------------------------- ---------- --------------------------- ----------------------- --------- ------------------------------------ ------------------> I’ve been wanting to put "this" together for the past four years of my life. During these years I’ve thought about writing “this” nearly everyday. Some days I feel inspired to write it and other days I wonder if I will ever complete it. I’ve “started” this many times and each time get 30 minutes into it and stop, thinking I’ll pick it back up again soon. Well, years have now passed and I’m again in a familiar place as I write this sentence. Admittedly, I fear “this.” The thought of doing this simply overwhelms me. What is “this?” What is it suppose to be? What do I want it to be? I have many uncertainties about this and every time I try to figure out it gets more complicated. Usually before starting a project I have it sketched out in my head and can see the conclusion. Once I see the conclusion, all I have to do is work to get there. But with this, I don’t see the conclusion. I have an idea of what I want it to be and what it should be, but I don’t have a thorough framework for it. This lack of framework intimidates me. And at the root, there is an even greater intimidation. I fear myself ... the perception of others. I want “this” to be an honest reflection of where my mind and heart are at this point in my life. I’m not writing this to establish a concrete way to live the rest of my life because my thoughts and beliefs will be forever developing. Rather, I’m trying to become aware and understand the reasons why I live my life. I’m going to allow it to be whatever it’s suppose to be and grow naturally. It is my hope that my conclusions serve as a grounding for the rest of my life. “ This” has been largely influenced by certain moments throughout my life. These moments are moments that everyone experiences in their life, they are not special only to me. I define these moments as “truth” moments. Moments that stand right in you front of you and put everything in focus. ALL YOU CAN SEE IS WHAT REALLY MATTERS. They last only for a short time but occur often. It usually takes a tv commercial or facebook update to distract us. The strongest of these moments are those that involve death. Slowly, I have been accepting death for myself and for those that I love. We all think we will live forever and have a guaranteed amount of time on earth. Death happens. We simply don’t know when and we begin to realize this once it happens to someone we know. This is one of those “moments” that has inspired me to write this. I am writing this for the “moment” I leave everything I love. I want to live my life for this moment. I don’t want to leave alone. I don’t want to leave wishing I had done more with my life. I don’t want to leave wishing I would have been a better person, family member, better husband, better father, or a better friend. I don’t want to leave knowing that I didn’t fully give myself to everything and everyone. I don’t want to leave to knowing that I didn’t stand up for myself or what I believed in. I don’t want to leave knowing I lived an empty life. I hope to achieve a truthful understanding that will help me live my life more freely and focused. This will hopefully ground me. I have to jump. I can’t wake up everyday and fear. I am me, and I can’t be scared. I have to embrace myself.